What causes loss of libido?

Many women going through perimenopause and menopause report that their libido or sex drive has decreased dramatically and wonder what they can do to get it back. 

Several things can cause loss of libido, including lack of oestrogen and/or testosterone, pain, dryness, vaginal atrophy, having too many things on your to-do list, feeling unattractive, not wanting to connect your energy to your partner, tiredness and general lack of intimacy.

The good news is that there are lots of things you can do to boost your libido and to regain a sense of intimacy with your partner. 

Physical Reasons for loss of libido in menopause and perimenopause

If you are suffering from vaginal dryness, atrophy, soreness, or have very delicate skin on your vulva, you may find that intimacy becomes a challenge. Using a good lubricant like Yes lube can be helpful, as can having a lot of foreplay before you attempt anything more intimate. 

Consider speaking to your GP or menopause clinic about having vaginal oestrogen. This replaces the lost oestrogen in a localised, non-systemic way. It comes in a variety of forms, including a cream, pessary and vaginal ring. 

Vaginal oestrogen is also reported to help with nighttime loo trips and other bladder issues, so if you’re waking up at 3 am to pop to the loo, vaginal oestrogen may be worth exploring. 

Pilates can also help if you suffer from bladder issues by strengthening the core muscles and pelvic floor. 

When testosterone levels drop, it can reduce the physical sensations you experience, so you may not experience physical pleasure in the same way as before. It can also lead to reduced dopamine, which is also linked to pleasure, so your pleasure centres aren’t as activated as they would be with full testosterone. 

Testosterone can also help with brain fog, mood and energy levels. Speak to your GP or menopause clinic re testosterone. It should be noted that not everyone who has low libido needs testosterone, but it can be helpful in some cases.

Read more here https://www.drlouisenewson.co.uk/knowledge/the-importance-of-testosterone-for-women 

Time constraints/ Tiredness/ Too much on the to-do list/ Stress

Many women are juggling a career, a home, a partner, raising children/ teenagers, and caring for elderly relatives, which can leave you feeling exhausted, and the last thing on your mind is getting jiggy with it! 

If you are very tired, try moving any bedroom activities to the daytime (children, teenagers, and grandparents permitting). Let go of anything you don’t absolutely need to do.

Being intimate can be wonderfully calming and relaxing if done when you’re both in the mood and not worn out by life. You may have to schedule it into your diary like a meeting! Stress can also have a big impact on libido.

Feeling unattractive

If you’re struggling to accept yourself for the way your body has changed over the years (especially if you’ve gained or lost a lot of weight, your boobs have headed south, and you worry you need big pants to hold your tummy in), you may find yourself less inclined to want to do the deed.

It’s really helpful to stop fighting with the way you look. Look at your body naked in a full-length mirror and notice how it looks.

Accept the fullness, the scars, the little dings from a life well lived and see them as part of your story.

Repeat this exercise until you can look at yourself in a full-length mirror without feeling bad. You ARE still attractive. 

It can help to buy some nice, well-fitting, supportive lingerie. 

You can check your potential bra size at https://www.booborbust.com using their bra size calculator. Take their suggestion as a starting point; you may need to go up or down a back or cup size, but it is a good place to start. 

Treat yourself to some nice knickers, not the horrible tuck-it-all-in ones, but some pretty, cotton, lacy ones that are comfortable and pretty. 

Also book yourself in for a good haircut, a manicure and/or pedicure, and a lip and chin wax if you need one! 

See yourself growing into a golden goddess, not shrivelling up into an old crone

Wear statement pieces to accentuate your good points.

Remember that your partner may also be worried about how he/she looks and may need reassurance that you find them attractive. They will also have had changes to the way their body looks/works, too and may be feeling equally upset, worrying if YOU think they’re attractive!

Not wanting to exchange energy with him as he’s so annoying

Look for the person you first fell in love with, he is in there somewhere. Try to put to one side petty irritations – it can be possible to get so het up by the fact he didn’t put the bin out or didn’t feed the cat or doesn’t really understand what you’re going through that you end up not wanting to connect your energy to his, which is totally understandable.

Try going for a long walk together and addressing how you’re feeling in a non-critical way. You may need to be very blunt about the help you need from him. You may benefit from couples counselling if you’re really struggling. 

https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/what-therapy-can-help-with/relationships/couples-counselling/ 

Regaining Intimacy

If you don’t currently hug and kiss your partner when you see them, try starting that again. Or gently squeeze their arm as you go past, or give them a heartfelt hug. Little light touches mean that you’re not making a massive leap between daily life and the bedroom. 

Aim for true intimacy, not like in films!

Half the problem with intimacy is that we see things in films that involve a lot of removing clothes in hallways and not much actual intimacy.

Take your time. Cuddle. Discover what feels good for each other, and guide each other’s hands where you want them to go. Kiss. A lot. Take turns in focusing on what gives you pleasure and what does nothing for you at all. Do everything slowly and with intent. Take away the need to perform and the need for the grand finale (if it happens, it happens!) Just enjoy being in each other’s company again and make it your aim to rebuild your connection.

Further Reading

https://www.sarahcooper.co.uk/how-to-look-good-during-menopause/ 

https://www.sarahcooper.co.uk/how-to-be-more-goddess-like/ 

https://www.sarahcooper.co.uk/how-to-have-more-body-confidence/ 

https://www.sarahcooper.co.uk/10-ways-to-make-yourself-feel-fantastic/ 

Join Menopause Support UK Facebook Group

If you would like to speak to others also going through the perimenopause and menopause, please join the Menopause Support UK Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/menopausesupportuk