What helps with emotional regulation?

If you feel hurt, upset or angry there are things you can do to help regulate your emotions and help yourself to quickly come back to a calm state.

Firstly try taking some deep breaths. If necessary and if it’s safe to do so, excuse yourself from the situation so you can take a few minutes to process what you’re thinking and feeling.

It’s easy to lash out when you’re in an heightened emotional state. Don’t try to fix anything until you feel calm and the emotion has left the situation. This helps you not say something in the heat of the moment that you later regret.

Ask the other person for clarity, even if it’s not what you wanted to hear.

Often we feel emotional because something has happened (or not happened!) and we’re left feeling unloved, unwanted and downright confused.  It is always useful to ask questions to establish what actually is going on.

Often it transpires that whatever story we’d told ourselves to explain the situation simply isn’t the case.

My mum was on the point of writing a really mean letter to her cousin to complain that she’d not heard from her cousin for a while. I suggested that perhaps she should ring her cousin to find out what the truth was. It turned out in her case that her cousin had broken her hip and had been in traction for 10 weeks, hence the lack of letter!

It is important to allow the other person a safe environment to truthful, and to really listen to what they have to say. It is always better to establish the truth, even if it’s not what you want to hear. At least then you can start processing the truth and start coming to terms with it. You may of course find that you had nothing to worry about and that all is well. But it’s a good idea to check rather than jumping to the wrong conclusions!

Avoid passive aggression – phrases like ‘you don’t love me any more’, ‘you clearly don’t value my time or my help’ or ‘if you wanted to you would’ are just not helpful so avoid using that kind of phrases.

Avoid using arrow words aimed at hurting the other person. If you’re feeling hurt that isn’t an excuse to hurt the other person. It is possible to explain how you feel and you be ok and the other person also be ok. Be respectful and mindful of what you say to the other person to avoid making them feel upset and hurt too.

Avoid jumping to conclusions, filling in your own gaps or apportioning meaning to things without establishing the truth of the matter first.

Do you feel triggered?

Often we find that we feel upset, hurt or angry when something that has happened just now triggers an old wound or reminds us of an earlier time when something painful happened maybe in our childhood.

If you do find that you’re getting triggered by things it can be useful to establish what the triggers are and if they’re still true for today. Maybe when you see a friend chatting intensely to another friend, you remember that time when as a primary school child you were abandoned because your best friend ditched you for someone else?

Or maybe you’re worried that you’re going to end up alone again because your partner will find someone else more interesting than you. Just think about whether these things are actually true of the situation arising today and if they’re helpful. Chances are you’ve since lost other people and survived alone. 

Maybe you find that you’re triggered by not being picked for something and this reminds you of being the last one being picked for the team in High school PE? and you get that sense of worry about what is wrong with you to make you not being picked and you’re left feeling a bit dejected and unwanted again like you were all those years ago? 

Do a bit of detective work!

It can help to talk about the emotions you’re feeling and to label them. I have recently realised that the biggest emotion I feel is anxiety – in the past I’d incorrectly thought it was jealousy but actually it isn’t it’s anxiety at the thought of being somehow defective and like I said above of being abandoned for someone more interesting.

I can trace the triggers for this back to an earlier time too. I’ve now realised that actually I will be ok even if things don’t work out for me the way I want, and that even if I don’t get picked for things this doesn’t mean I’m a rubbish person or no use to anyone. Sometimes it takes a bit of detective work to figure out what is actually going on!

Positive things you can do to help regulate your emotions.

Set yourself up with a positive environment. If you have your other needs met you will likely find that your emotions will be more stable. So try to stay hydrated, have regular healthy balanced meals so you don’t end up feeling hangry. Get plenty of sleep, and surround yourself with people who like, support and admire you and who you can feel at home with. Praise yourself for your achievements and avoid negative self-talk. 

Prepare in advance some strategies to help you self-soothe.

If you do find that you are feeling dysregulated you can simply deploy one of your coping mechanisms. 

If you feel like spiralling down a negative rabbit hole allow yourself about 15 mins to spiral and then start deploying your coping mechanisms. A good coping mechanism can be to journal out whatever you’re worrying about. Let rip into your journal, don’t feel you have to keep up being Mr or Mrs Nice Guy- just spit it all out. If you sound like a cow-bag so be it! Just ensure it’s for your eyes only and that no one reads it!

If journaling isn’t for you try calling a friend, taking a bath or shower or going for a swim, taking some photographs or doing some art. Do anything that will take your mind off it long enough for you to come back into a calm state.

Learn to validate yourself, rather than waiting for someone else’s undivided attention or praise and admiration from someone else. Tell yourself you’re doing a great job, be kind to yourself and keep busy so you’re not waiting around for other people to give you a pat on the head or to tell you how fabulous you are. Know you are fabulous just the way you are without anyone else telling you!

Release emotions appropriately. No one in the history of mankind has ever been able to calm down just by being told to calm down! I remember as a child of about 5 years old and very cross about something and I got sent to my dad’s chair to calm down which actually made me even more cross!

There are ways of releasing anger safely, including plumping pillows and kneading bread. Or go for a long brisk walk into the middle of nowhere and actually scream your head off if you like! 

Further Reading: You may like to read my article on self esteem https://www.sarahcooper.co.uk/easy-ways-to-improve-your-self-esteem/ 
There is also an article from Psychology Today about Emotional Regulation which you may find interesting https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/emotion-regulation